I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
