Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
