btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize