I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
