I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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