I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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