3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
