one might say we're banned from that church
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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