Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize