Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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