you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
