I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
