your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
