I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
