i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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