I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
