Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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