I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
