Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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