she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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