Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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