You're my little dorito
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Randomize
