Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
