hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
