well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
