Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
