One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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