I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
