She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize