I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
