I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
