I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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