Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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