How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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