It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
