I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
