Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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