I accidentally had phone sex last night
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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