apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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