so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
