I just threw up on my dentist
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
