He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
