I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
