guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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