Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
