And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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