my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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