i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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