there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
