For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
