We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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