im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
