You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
