gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
