If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
