worst night to have a conscience
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Randomize