just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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