Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
