The maid of honor just puked.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
