Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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