I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
