My sheets look like a crime scene.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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